Deidara Gets a Haircut
by Scrap Cookies
Summary: Deidara gets hurt from haters who call him gay. He gets help from Hidan and together, they managed to give Dei Dei a makeover. However, there were consequences...
1. Chapter 1

**Deidara Gets a Haircut**

**A/N: **_This is not meant to offend any Deidara Fans out there. Please enjoy and review? :3 Okaythankyoubye._

Deidara had no missions while all his Akatsuki members have gone out doing business he had no care for. Days could get painfully boring when there was nothing to do. Deidara stirred his cup of coffee in slow spirals when he heard footsteps.

"KAKUZU! How many fucking times do I have to tell you to BACK OFF when I am fucking trying to kill our FUCKING ENEMY?" hollered Hidan, apparently enraged. Kakuzu followed closely behind muttering under his breath.

"Hidan, you were clearly about to do something stupid. Why can't you plan a simple strategy before fighting? Any strategy is better than charging right at him!" Kakuzu countered. Deidara sighed as he returned his attention to his hot caffeinated drink.

"Look, you fucking bastard, our ENEMY got the fuck AWAY!" Hidan suddenly spun around to point an intimidating finger at Kakuzu. Kakuzu stared back with a disinterested look, and with that they resigned to individual rooms. Deidara took his cup of coffee and went into his room.

He placed the cup next to his laptop. The device was rare and only acquirable by the rich. The word 'internet' was understood to Deidara that it was an application of some sort to connect to the rest of the world. His fingers tapped on the individual keys, slowly making out the phrase "Deidara is" onto a search engine.

Thousands of links and websites came popping up, mostly with outrageous titles. '**Deidara is gay!'** said one; '**Deidara is a Barbie girl' **said another. Shocked and hurt, Deidara ran down the page to find ridiculous searches implying he was a transvestite. The laptop was shut off. Deidara left the room. Then, silence.

Hidan had apparently calmed down from his anger episode. Thinking it'd be an excellent idea to find himself something to drink before his religious ritual, he strolled into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator to find heaven shining at him. He chugged down orange juice right from the carton, something Konan had nagged about for ages. In the midst of downing the beverage, he heard low muffles from behind him. Hidan nearly choked on his drink when he saw a dark shadow huddled in the corner of the kitchen.

"Everyone thinks I'm a girl, hn," whispered the figure. _Fuck, _thought Hidan, _some transvestite made their way into our hideout. I'm gunna have to fuck this shit up myself._ The figure twitched then, and its blonde hair flipped up to show a pathetic Deidara crying miserably. "Oh it's terrible, Hidan! They think I'm a girl! Even after my wonderful exhibition of artistic value, they still think I'm a tranny!"

"Okay, princess, stop crying or I'll chop your balls off," threatened Hidan. Deidara stopped the weeping immediately.

"Fuck, what the hell has gone into you, sissy?"

"The- in-ternet… barbie- gay – WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY?"

Hidan pondered over this for a minute. To put things clearly, he wasn't sure either. Then again, Hidan was never quite sure about anything. He eyed Deidara closely. _The nails, _he wondered, _could it be the nails? No, no, _he shook his head, _that'd make me gay, and I'm fucking sexy to males and females all around… The dress? Wait, that's a cloak. I'm wearing one too… _

Things became too confusing for Hidan, who immediately called Kakuzu out. It was quite amazing the way Kakuzu can point things out the instant he sees a problem. Perhaps this was one of the very few reasons why Hidan respected him. Just a little bit. A very tiny little bit.

"Eyes, hair, makeup," said Kakuzu, "Now shut up and let me get on with my work."

"You're not gunna help this little girl?" Hidan inquired.

"Waste of time, like your rituals," Kakuzu said as he disappeared into the room.

"I think he mentioned your fucking hair," Hidan muttered after trying to process what Kakuzu had said. _Sheesh, I am not gunna touch this nasty fucker's hair, _he told himself. Hidan threw the empty juice carton aside and walked out. Deidara stopped him abruptly.

"Hidan, you've got to help me, hn," begged Deidara. Irritated, Hidan turned around.

"Aww, Deidara-chan needs my help! What will I get in return, my little Deidara-chan?" he asked with sarcasm.

Deidara made many offers: free lunch for a week, free back-rubs, free explosive sculptures, he even offered to make a life-size explosive clay sculpture of Hidan. Hidan rejected all his proposals and began to walk away when suddenly Deidara said, "I'll let you touch my hand mouths, hn."

"What?" Hidan asked, suddenly perking up.

"I'll let you touch one of these things, hn," Deidara replied, holding up a hand and exposing the mouth. Hidan smiled. He had always wondered how the mouths worked and whether they actually felt like mouths.

"Firstly, we'll have to get you a haircut at Toni&Guy," Hidan suggested. Deidara shook his head and informed him, "Can't. Kakuzu froze my credit card account and took my wallet from me, hn. It's to 'save unnecessary costs.' He's taken your wallet too, hn. You're a big spender, according to him."

"Then I shall have to cut your hair myself!" declared Hidan confidently. _What am I thinking_? Don't you worry, all I have to do is borrow a pair of scissors from Sasori and we'll be ready to start. The pair entered Sasori's studio in search of a pair of scissors. Kakuzu stood by his door, watching them.

"Idiots."

_**To be continued…**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_**Dear readers, I think I have fallen in love with Deidara's eyes. Isn't it just fantabulous to have a webcam-like device so you can capture everything around you? His other eye is just amazingly beautiful. Okay I'll stop my fan-girl antics now. Okaythankyoubye.**_

It wasn't exactly sexy to have two men in the same bathroom together. It wasn't sexy at all to have them both figuring out how to use a pair of scissors. It definitely was not sexy to have one of them trying to cut the hair of the other. Deidara had offered to use the teeth on his hands to cut his hair. Hidan refused to be incompetent, even in the slightest.

Slowly, snips and pieces of Deidara's hair fell on the cold bathroom floor. His hair was so short; they had to remove the hair tie. Both stared into the mirror, wondering what should be done about fringe. Cutting it short exposed a small camera over his left eye.

"That camera is just perverted, man," said Hidan. Deidara nudged him and removed the camera.

"Only sick perverts like you would come to that conclusion, hm," Deidara muttered, "Well what are we gunna do about the fringe?"

"If we cut it real short, you'll look fucking weird. We should just leave it hanging above your eyebrows," Hidan expertly advised. _My Jashin- sama, he looks so fucking retarded. What do we do now? _

"So I'm done then, hn?" asked Deidara. Hidan slowly nodded. _Weird, definitely weird. I better not hang out around him or people will think I'm fucking mental. _Deidara smiled to his reflection, tilting his head slightly. He resembled Tao Okamoto, but with blonde hair. Deidara grinned before leaving the bathroom.

"Wait!" Hidan exclaimed, _Okay what the fuck do I say now? 'I screwed up your hair, you look like a geek'? Gah, fuck. _

"Uh," Hidan began, "Actually, I think some hair gel might help. You know, give you some style." _Cuz you look like a spastic child_. The pair went to Hidan's room to find a bottle of hair gel. Hidan squeezed some onto his palm and pulled Deidara's hair back like his own. _Shit, he looks like that kid from Harry Pots or some other shit. _He quickly washed the gel out and tried again. This time, he pulled it upwards. _Better than before, I guess. He still looks weird. Damn fucking weird. _

Before they left, Hidan eyed him again. There was still something off about him. _Why does he have such long eyelashes? Why is there this black thing around his eyes? What the fucking hell are they? _

"Dude, remove the shit around your eyes," Hidan ordered. Deidara washed his eyeliner as Hidan waited outside the bathroom. Kakuzu walked towards Hidan. He held up the bottle of gel they had just used.

"Hidan, care to explain why your bottle is half empty? I thought I told you, no more than 2.5cm in diameter on your palm! At this rate, we're going to lose 8% of gel every 12 hours! Do you know what that means? It means you waste 25% more than you did in 2008 which, may I add, was the peak of your splurge? Savings, savings sa – What's going on here?" Hidan and Kakuzu looked closely at Deidara. Neither knew what to say.

"Deidara, you look a little like someone. I can't put a finger on whom, but somehow I think I sense a resemblance…" Kakuzu said before walking away wondering whom Deidara reminded him of. Hidan pulled Deidara towards the wardrobe.

"Okay princess, we're going to have to advertise your new sexy look. You can't fucking run around with our cloak though. Fuck, I hope Pein won't bust me for this," Hidan spoke as he flipped through the wardrobe. There wasn't much in the wardrobe. Everyone wore their Akatsuki cloak with pride. Hidan found a black shirt and somewhat matching orange baggy pants.

Deidara was about to leave the hideout dressed and ready. He felt confident with his new look, but he did promise Hidan one thing.

"Thirty minutes tops, hn," grouched Deidara as Hidan inspected his hands with excitement. Deidara watched as Hidan inspected his hands as if he were going through a dental check up. He prodded with the tongue, poked the teeth and pressed his fingers on the lips. Deidara calmly put up with his annoying prodding but drew the line when Hidan tried to feed the mouth with marshmallows.

"Hidan? What the hell are you feeding me?" Deidara barked as he held Hidan's hand away. Hidan took a step back from Deidara's hostility and hugged the bag of marshmallows protectively.

"I thought that I might be able to beat you at chubby bunny," he said, trying to stuff a marshmallow into the hand mouth. Deidara bit his finger and Hidan growled when small trickles of blood began dripping from his pointer. He swore under his breath.

"I would fucking kill you right now if I hadn't the need to do my ritual. Fuck you, jack ass. Hope everyone finds out how fucking retarded you look. Gay shit," insulted Hidan. He quickly dispersed into the hide out.

Being so close to Konoha, Deidara decided to take a stroll there. He wanted to do some window shopping and to see if there was anything new there. He looked into his reflection as he passed a few windows. He truly did remind him of someone. Perhaps that was why Kakuzu was shocked to see him. Perhaps this person was a mutual friend. Or not.

Strangely enough, many people waved at him. He did not expect to be so incredibly good looking that old men would smile and wave at him too. Feeling a little uneasy, Deidara went into a shop. It was a small shop with little key-chains, and notebooks. The owner of the shop smiled at him and so did the customer he attended to. His customer turned around.

He had mid-length brown hair tied into a pony tail. He was tanned and tall. Deidara noticed a distinctive scar across his nose. The man grinned brightly at him.

"Naruto!" He exclaimed. _Oh dear, _thought Deidara, _No no no…This can't be! They think I'm Naruto?_

"Uh hi!" Deidara greeted back nervously. He couldn't eye the man, and his cheeks flushed. Not only was he embarrassed to look like the notorious student, he was scared of being caught.

"So why'd you come all the way here, Naruto?" The ponytailed man inquired. _This is bad,_ Deidara bit his lip, _what am I supposed to say? _

"Nah, just window shopping," he finally answered. The sensei frowned. Deidara began to sweat. _Why is he staring at me weird now? Is it my hair? Wait. I haven't got much hair now. Oh dear._

"Say, Naruto, you look older. Haha, you've matured!" laughed the man. _Good, now how do I end this conversation and get the heck away from here? _Deidara looked at a pile of art books. _I know! I'll pretend I really need this. _His hand grabbed the book. '_Oil painting'? You call that art? Oh well better than nothing! _

"Oh, I didn't know you were interested in art, Naruto. It's a very complicated subject matter. Haha!" _Screw you, bastard. You know NOTHING about art, hn. It's all about the heart and it's enjoyed in a short amount of time!_

"Art is forever, Naruto, it stays with you. Like buildings and architect," _Fuck you, fuck you, _"and even, oh what have we here, 'Oil Paintings'? I have this book!" The man reaches over to take the book. _Oh shit, don't look at my hand…_

"Err… perhaps maybe one day you should show me some of your art! Uhh…I've got to go, sensei! Uh..Bye!" Deidara stumbled and took the book back. He rushed to the counter and paid for it.

"No, Naruto, this one's on me. You haven't been here in such a long time!" exclaimed the shop keeper. _Yes okay, just let me get out of here, hn. _Deidara fled the scene only to be captivated by the scent of something cooking. It smelled delicious. His stomach grumbled, and Deidara sat down at the nearby ramen shop for some ramen.

The chef smiled broadly at him and Deidara began to worry again. _Why does EVERYONE know Naruto? I need to get out of here. _Deidara stood up, "Uh, actually I just remembered that I have some books with uh," _What was his name again?_, "uh with Sasuukaey?" The chef frowned.

"Sasuke? You met him? He's been missing for so long. We don't really want him back, Naruto," the chef told him, "Why don't you just sit down and eat? This one is free. Order anything you like, son." _This is bad,_ Deidara decided, _but I'm hungry, hm. _He sat back down and ordered a hot bowl of ramen.

The smell was delicious, and he could feel the steam gently hit his face. The thin noodles lie in front of him, drenched in scrumptious soup. Deidara's stomach grumbled once more, and he picked up a pair of chopsticks. The chef smiled at him. Deidara felt the tongue on his left hand slide across his lips, making a slurping sound. _Oh no. Not now. Gah, look away old man, hm!_ The chef laughed and turned away. Deidara ate the ramen slowly, enjoying each and every taste. _This is art. This amazing feeling of satisfaction has got to be art. _Both mouths on each hand drooled, wetting the chopsticks and the table.

"Well, aren't you messy? You used to devour each and every drop within seconds. Is something the matter, Naruto?" the chef asked Deidara. Deidara looked away. This he could not avoid. How was he supposed to know Naruto had eating habits? There was a clink at the door then. A boy with spiky blonde hair stepped in. He wore orange attire and had big blue eyes. Both guys looked at each other for a long time.

_Naruto,_ Deidara realized, _The real Naruto is here!_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Deidara is so amazing. His hair is so amazing too (before I cut it up with this story), I reckon Orochimaru and Neji have really amazing hair too. They should go for some shampoo commercial competition or something. Of course, Deidara will win hands down. (fan girl attack) Okaythankyoubye.**

To put things frankly, Deidara did not want to bump into Naruto. Furthermore, he'd appear to be an extremely suspicious character and he'd have to avert fighting Naruto. At least if he was caught. Fighting would take too much time. Naruto continued to stare blankly at Deidara. _Does he recognize me?_ The feeling was frightening. It felt like ramen crawling back up. Deidara felt for his pouch. _Not much explosive clay left, hm._ He reached for some when Naruto suddenly opened his mouth.

"Hey! Nice Henge no Jutsu!" Naruto shouted at the top of his lungs. Deidara gave him a nervous smile. _Great, he doesn't know, hm. I should get out of here while I can. _Deidara withdrew his hand from the clay pouch and began heading for the door. Naruto followed closely behind.

"Who are you actually? Are you Kakashi sensei? I wonder who can actually look so much like me!" squealed Naruto. Deidara felt his heart pound faster. _What should I say, hm? Can't say anybody that would draw too much attention. Gaara? No, can't say Gaara. Hm. _Deidara walked out of the shop and took three steps before saying, "Hyuuga Neji."

"Neji? Neji?" Naruto asked twice before he began laughing, "I'd never guess you would do something like this, dattebayo!" Deidara began making a run for it. _Shit! Shit! _He turned to look behind him. Naruto had already used his shadow clone jutsu. _Ten…fifteen…_Deidara counted in his head. Naruto chased after him laughing and shouting, "You're not Neji! You're fuzzy brows!"

Deidara ran towards the forest. He shoved a hand into his pouch, grabbing enough to make a bird of some sort. There wasn't enough time for details. He needed to get out of there quick! Villagers came out of their homes smiling and watching the commotion. _Why did I have to say Neji? Hell, even saying Sakura was better. _There was a scream then. It was clearly the scream of a girl. Then, rumbles came tearing the ground apart from underneath him. Deidara jumped.

He was lucky to have jumped fast enough or he would be in shatters too. His feet came in contact with a branch and he continued his escape.

"That's not Neji or Lee! That's AKATSUKI!" hollered a young lady with short pink hair, holding an extremely familiar pouch. _She got my pouch? When did I drop it?_ Deidara felt for his pouch but true enough, it was gone. She caught up with Naruto whose expression became shocked. The two continued to chase after Deidara as more villagers began piling behind him. _Too late. I'll have to show them the value of my art! _He checked the right mouth. _Nearly done, hm. _His feet tapped lightly branch to branch, tree from tree until he felt clay spit out of his right mouth. He quickly molded it into a bird within five seconds and tossed it into the air.

"Hm!" Deidara grunted as he enlarged the clay mold. A large bird caught his weight and flew him away. He turned back. There were easily two teams catching up on him. Three of them wore flak jackets. _What do I do now?_ _I haven't got enough to fight!_ Deidara reminded himself as he felt his pouch for more clay. Suddenly he heard a wild cry and a large weight fell onto his bird.

A massive lollipop in a cloak glanced at him.

"Tobi? What are you doing here, hm?" Deidara asked while dodging ranged attacks. Tobi looked at him before jumping about and squealing, "Tobi is a good boy! Kakuzu said Tobi will find partner here!" _You know what? Perfect. Just perfect. I'm out of clay. I'm under heavy fire. I have no idea how to get rid of them and, oh, the most annoying person falls upon my shoulders. _

"Tobi, we gotta get out of here, hm. I'm out of clay," admitted Deidara ashamed to be unable to outshine his partner. To him, any idea from Tobi would be better than nothing. Tobi turned around to take a look at his opponents. He jumped and screamed, "TOBI IS GUNNA DIE! TOBI IS GUNNA DIE!" Deidara hushed him, "Tobi, shut up!" The two flew as Tobi flung his arms about aimlessly.

Although they spent the next few minutes dodging explosives and darts, it soon became clear to the villagers of Konoha that they will not be able to catch up. Tsunade could send all the shinobi she likes but Deidara and Tobi would be safe. For now.

The flight back was silent. At least until Deidara heard muffled chuckles. He ignored Tobi but the chuckles got louder and louder until they were roars of magnificent laughter.

"WHAT?" Deidara shouted, muting out all of Tobi's laughter. Tobi could not control himself after Deidara's outburst. He began rolling about bashing his fists on the clay bird with great laughter. He pointed at Deidara, withdrew his arm, and started laughing again.

"Your hair!" Tobi finally said, "Sempai looks so stupid!" Tobi continued laughing off into hysteria. _I look stupid? I look stupid? Says the man with a lollipop face! If only I had some clay, I'll teach him an explosive lesson._ The laughter was quickly shortened after the pair heard leaves rustling. Both granted attention to the direction of which the crackling was. Team 7 and Team Gai were jumping rapidly, gaining up on them. _ Now what?_

Deidara looked frantically around him. He reached for his kunai. He had no idea what to do with his kunai. Throwing it would be stupid since there were so many of them. Jumping off his bird and fighting them would also be stupid. He turned to Tobi who was fiddling with a small purse. Deidara soon identified this as one of his pouches.

"YOU HAD THIS THE WHOLE TIME AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?" Deidara yelled even though he felt relieved. They now had hope. Deidara could never depend on Tobi, and now with some clay he grew confident. Tobi watched as Deidara took the pouch and yanked a chunk of clay out. He protested, "Tobi thinks Sempai's pouch doesn't have enough clay!" Deidara laughed sarcastically, "This is why people respect my art, Tobi. Watch and learn."

Deidara shoved clay into each mouth as they engulfed the substance. His opponents were close enough to attack the flying bird now. That would bring great disaster. He enlarged two birds from his hands and summoned an explosive.

"Katsu!" he shouted as a big puff of smoke swallowed the enemies and caused the ground to rattle. Deidara folded his arms with a smirk. Tobi watched unsure and said, "Oh, Sempai. I don't think they're dead yet." As foretold, the enemies had largely averted the explosions. Tobi laughed again, "I told you so!"

"Whose side are you on?" Deidara scolded and threw more clay explosions at the lot. They flew further from them as the smoke cleared. Tobi had been right; there wasn't much clay in the extra pouch either. He only had enough to hopefully distract the Jinchuuriki and his friends for a bit. The smoke cleared, and there stood only two tall figures. Deidara searched for the others. _Dead already? Impossible! _

"Hidan chan!" Tobi exclaimed as he hopped off the bird and landed next to one of the figures. Hidan twisted an arm around Tobi, "How many fucking times must I tell you to stop calling me that?" Kakuzu stood beside Hidan. Deidara was surprised.

"We thought we would find you here. Took Tobi too long to get you back. What's our situation here?" Kakuzu asked as he eyed the teams who stood perched upon trees. Deidara saw that they were unharmed. _This is going to be a long battle._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: (insert suspenseful music here) who shall win: Konoha or Akatsuki?**

"Too much talking!" Hidan cried out as he hurled himself at Kakashi. He swung his scythe out and dashed it across Kakashi but he was too slow. Kakashi was already behind him. Kakashi sent Hidan a good ten metres away as he attacked. Deidara took a step forward but Kakuzu's arm blocked him. Deidara glanced quickly at Kakuzu.

"Don't interfere now. Hidan's about to learn his lesson," Kakuzu instructed. Hidan was held back by Gai. Struggling to break free, Hidan suddenly turned his head forward to find Lee flying towards him and hitting him with a magnificent kick. Deidara felt Kakuzu grunt and heard him call out to Hidan, "Need my help yet?" Hidan swore. Sakura faced Deidara and Kakuzu. She punched the ground with all her might. The power of her punch sent rumbles tearing through the earth. Deidara jumped. _Same trick again, _he noticed. Tobi clapped from above.

"Good work, sempai!" he exclaimed from the bushes.

Sakura sprinted towards Kakuzu with a fist directed at him. He blocked her attack with his ultimate strength. Deidara watched the intense punch-fight. The pair would make good wrestling opponents. His amusement was short-lived as a shadow distracted him.

"You are fighting me," Neji spoke in a flat tone. Neji never failed to speak with such a foul tone. It was the firm, no non-sense tone that scared everybody. Had he not been so young, Deidara would easily mistake him for some boring professor. Neji used his Byakugan. Deidara looked away. His eyes were frightening when veins flushed around them. The things Neji saw in life were unimaginable.

Yet, then again, Deidara was probably just taking things too far. He swung around and dodged an attack. Deidara jumped as he reached in for more explosive clay. Neji traced his footsteps and stuck to him with a cold glare. Deidara was to hold him off for awhile as his chakra settled into the clay. Tobi observed silently.

Hidan was in a terrible spot. He was up against three other enemies. All three were too fast for his slow strategies. As if they could even be described as strategies. Hidan looked across the battlefield for Kakuzu. It was really too bad that Kakuzu was busy. That pink haired girl must be quite powerful to be able to hold him up for so long. Hidan dodged another combination attack from Gai. These people are good. Good, but not good enough. Hidan gave a loud cry as he sliced around with his mighty scythe. Kakashi only merely escaped the blow, but he could not give in to Hidan.

Kakuzu was finally pushed back by a full contact punch from Sakura. Through his body, he could feel the strength this girl had. He shoved both arms forward, engaging themselves in an obvious wrestle before breaking away with so much force and speed, both ninjas slid five metres from each other. Sakura was already panting. Kakuzu narrowed his eyes as he felt great pain. One of his hearts had died. Perhaps, he should replace it with hers.

It seemed easy for Deidara. Although Neji narrowly averted all his explosives, it definitely slowed him down by a lot. He noticed Hidan in trouble. Deidara checked his mouths again. Soon, he would finish Neji and join Hidan. Kakuzu did not look like he could hold off much either. Where was Tobi? Deidara gazed into the forest. His scope quickly spotted Tobi who appeared to be relaxing. Neji smirked.

"That's a pretty pathetic partner you've got there," Neji commented. _What a cocky brat, _Deidara thought to himself.

"Only because I don't need much help," Deidara insisted. He flung three C-1 level bombs at the raven head. Through the smoke, he thought he had finished Neji. However, three figures came out instead of just one. A lady with little buns on either side of her head was followed by a pale man. Both figures joined Neji.

"I work with explosives too," the lady said, wielding little kunais attached with tags. Her long ranged attacks completely missed Deidara who moved at such incredible speed. Deidara spun around to taunt her. The pale man stood in front of her with a large scroll and a paintbrush.

"Watercolour is not an art, hm!" Deidara complained. The pale man ignored his comments and began painting. Almost magically, the brush strokes came to life as a massive dragon headed towards Deidara and knocked him over. Deidara fell at tremendous height.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: For all those skeptical of my long delay, please note that last week was a busy week for me. I had two drama performances and two accelerated mock exams. ( I'm such a nerd)I'm not going to school this week, so hopefully there will be more to come. Okaythankyoubye.**

Deidara's tremendous fall caught him off-guard. As his toes came in contact with the ground, a sharp pain seared through his left leg. It was terrible agony, and Deidara suspected that his left ankle was broken. Wasting no time, he hopped on his right foot away from the dragon.

"I'm surprised," Pein had finally said, "Surprised not because of their stupidity, but because the relations between them have significantly improved." Zetsu stood before him. Thirty minutes ago, Zetsu was sent to find Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi and Deidara. He reported back stating that they were engaged in battle. It was very unusual that the Akatsuki sent more than a pair to fight. The four had simply gone out on their own accord and this surprised Pein. _Perhaps all their bickering was a sign of their mutual adoration for each other._ The thought put Pein off. _Then, again, perhaps they were being stupid. _

Pein was reminded that this battle was not ordered by him or Madara Uchiha. Therefore, the four were bringing unnecessary attention to the Akatsuki. Furious, Pein places his fist down firmly as he gazed out of the window.

"Bring them back. Engulf the dead, but do it quick. We are bringing too much unnecessary attention to ourselves. Fools," Pein told Zetsu. In a blink, Zetsu was gone.

In the battlefield, each man had more than a handful on their plates. Except for Tobi. He hid himself, watching the intriguing battle before his very eyes when he sensed someone coming behind him. As he spun around, he found Zetsu a good hundred metres away.

"Madara, we need to go. Pein is waiting," Zetsu whispered when he reached Tobi. In response, Tobi nodded and shouted to Deidara, "Sempai! Zetsu says that Leader is very angry!"

Deidara cussed in his head. Leader-sama. Consequences would be bad when he gets back but orders are orders. He released enough C-1 level explosives to create a diversion. The smoke rose, and he fled with Tobi and Zetsu.

"What?" Konan asked, shocked by the news.

"Zetsu's already gone to bring them back. All we need to do is wait," Pein assured her.

"Nagato, the shinobi will follow them back here!" Konan quickly pointed out.

Hidan fought a tiring fight. Both parties were exhausted. He took a deep breath before having another go at them. Kakuzu was swift and seemed to control the pace of his fight. His opponents just won't give up. He took a quick glance around the battlefield. Deidara was gone. His enemies stood as they argued over something unheard by Kakuzu. He quickly outstretched his arm and swiftly flung Naruto and Sakura a good distance away. He turned around. Kakuzu reached for Hidan, who was about seventy metres away, and got a good grip around his waist. He pulled the Jashinist towards him as he fled the scene.

Hidan swore and screamed loudly into Kakuzu's hear. Kakuzu could barely stand it. He turned from angle to angle, branch to branch, until he found the other members. Zetsu was there. He was later informed that Pein was awaiting their arrival. Suddenly, a sharp edge sliced off Kakuzu's tight grip on Hidan.

"Fuck you! Don't EVER lay your fucking hands on me ever again! You little shithead!" Hidan called out to Kakuzu after using his scythe to free himself. The ninjas quickly escaped the forest – Zetsu supporting Deidara and the other three following closely behind. They traveled a good distance before Deidara could create two large clay birds to transport them back, where a certain someone awaited them patiently.

"None of you have any idea how much trouble this business has caused the organization. I can almost guarantee the ANBU are looking for us," Pein placed both hands on the table and looked up, "Who started this?"

The S-classed ninjas looked around them before Hidan stood out.

"This gay little sis –"

"Do NOT describe your fellow members with expletives," Pein said firmly before turning to see Deidara, "What happened to your hair?"

"Um. Well, I," Deidara started, his ankle still injured, before cutting his words short.

"Never mind," Pein sighed, "What matters most is how we are going to get rid of the Konoha shinobi. They will eventually find this hideout." Pein stared at Deidara's ankle, "Oh for crying out loud, will someone see to his ankle? The shinobi can be here any time for all we know. Kakuzu!"

Kakuzu looked up.

"Find us another hideout! Build a new one! Find us some remote area! I don't care how you do it, just do it NOW!"

Kakuzu quickly scrambled out of the room. Tobi and the rest had concluded that Deidara's ankle was merely sprained. Hidan laughed hysterically.

"A sprain? Just a FUCKING SPRAIN? Oh! You pathetic little princess! NOW you know why people think you are gay!" Hidan continued laughing to himself. The little drama queen engulfed clay into his hands and released them upon Hidan's face in anger. As Hidan recovered, he pulled out his scythe, ready for attack.

"DEIDARA! HIDAN!" Pein called out furiously, "Did you not listen to what I said? No fighting! Deidara! Are you trying to blow this entire hideout up too? Hidan! Stop picking on your comrades! We're all allies!" As the room grew quiet, Pein took a breath and continued, "Konan suggested earlier that we design new costumes. Our symbolic black and red clouds have become too distinguished."

"But, Leader-sama!" Tobi protested.

"No buts! Let us all go to our rooms and come up with new designs. We will meet back here in an hour and our final decision will be passed on to Kakuzu," Pein decided. Everyone proceeded into their bedrooms planning.

Tobi and Deidara went back to their joint bedrooms. Sasori was busy polishing new puppets.

"Sasori no Danna, we have to make new designs for our uniform, un," Deidara told him. Sasori showed no interest in the subject and continued polishing. Tobi's designs were atrocious. They consisted of bright orange robes sporting red swirls. The highly excited Tobi took his design and ran out to show everyone.

Deidara was more precise in his work. His lines had more shape definition. His design was the ultimate costume that would effectively hide all features of each member and expose them as a grotesque monster. The costumes had no defined colour, but Deidara had intended for them to be white.

"Mascots?" Hidan's voice scared Deidara so much that he actually jumped in his seat. Hidan laughed, and Deidara coughed in embarrassment as he shifted his position in his seat.

"No, Hidan. They are my ultimate design. I want to create clay figures of such templates. They will be more grotesque this time, more ambiguous and shapeless. Nonetheless, they will be detailed and perfect. Of course, this is only a clothing adaptation. These new uniforms will not be as go –"

"We look like fucking penguins," Hidan interrupted, "Fucking, fat, ugly, penguins."

"Well then, where's your design?" Deidara questioned as he folded his arms and raised his eyebrows.

"You shall soon find out, pathetic atheist," Hidan said with a wave and left the room.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hello readers! For all those who noticed that the storyline is leading VERY FAR from the story title, well done! Every time I tried to end this story, something happens and everything starts to need another chapter. Good lord. Okaythankyoubye.**

The members of Akatsuki huddled around a long table. Each member had some form of presentation in their hands; others had it memorized in their heads. There was finally some order in this organization. Pein signaled for Sasori to come forth.

Sasori stepped forward and presented two puppets dressed in simple brown rags. Many members began frowning and furrowing brows and Sasori took a step forward to cough politely.

"I present to you: rags! Anything would do from a range of potato sacks, torn dresses, and just rags! The idea here is to present ourselves as the everyday commoner. We look cheap, and definitely not the ideal S-rank criminal organization," he proposed. Once again, Kakuzu hooted from the back.

"A fine, fine idea, Sasori!" Kakuzu began, " This way, we don't spend much and we look like commoners and peasants! A fantastic disguise! Leader-sama, I believe that this–"

"–Rejected," Pein interrupted once again, "Yes, the uniform is cheap, but don't you think we will look awfully suspicious when we appear in a large group? A bunch of grown adults walking in huge clumps dressed poorer than the average peasant suffering from poverty? Rejected! Next."

Kisame passed around photocopies of his design. His design was very complicated as it had many layers. The top layer was a loose white jacket made with towel-like materials that vary from choice. Under that, Kisame designed half buttons shirts and Hawaiian Bermudas. The female version displayed a sundress instead. Under that layer, outstanding swimming gear was cleverly selected and displayed neatly. His design also included other accessories such as hats and sunglasses, let us also not forget the little tequila glass.

Itachi's design was atrocious. It was the exact cloak without clouds. Just a simple black cloak. Pein rejected it almost immediately and did the same when Konan introduced her design of a plain white jumpsuit. Tobi's design was simply out of the question and Deidara's design severely disgusted everyone. When all was silent, Hidan stepped forward and tossed his sheet of paper into the middle of the crowd.

The thin blank sheet of paper sliced through the air for a short moment before it gently lay on the meeting table. Its white, pale face exposed itself to the members of Akatsuki. Everyone waited, but nothing happened. Therefore, Pein had to say something.

"Hidan, you did not listen to my orders. I have said for you to come up with a design. I thought your design would be the most preposterous and therefore you were first, but this is simply a blank sheet of paper! Not even a stroke of ink or pencil! Nothing!" Pein exclaimed as the other Akatsuki members nodded in agreement. Hidan kept the smirk on his face and folded his arms in triumph.

"That is where you are wrong, idiot. My design is naked. Yes, we expose all! That way, we stay fucking alert and not sleep around during missions. We also became freaking aware of those motherfuckers running around us. Then, we can go ka-boom boom on them and fuck the crap outta them!" Hidan's voice rang through the meeting room.

When all was silent, Kakuzu quietly made a contribution, "I second that, actually. It would definitely help with our costs. We no longer spend money on washing detergent, and we no longer require such huge sums of money to get everyone something to wear. This could actually end up in–"

"–A great disaster," Konan finished his sentence, "Just who do you two think we are? We do not need a reputation of nudists. Hidan, have you also forgotten about our defense? With cloaks, we protect ourselves from unexpected harm. These cloaks can also easily be removed to enhance our speed. I do not see why nudity is at all necessary in our uniform."

"Hold that thought, Konan. Hidan might be getting to something," Pein responded, "perhaps we can try this out. Just for now. We're out of ideas anyway."

And with that, the Akatsuki left the room – some in shock, others in confusion – each member stripped down to their birthday suits.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sup? This boy keeps stalking me on fb. So annoying. He comments and "likes" every single post and picture. Haha, okay enough of my pathetic lovelife, okaythankyoubye.**

Well things were just perfect. The piece of art Deidara had painstakingly designed and planned was defeated. Defeated by the works of a despicable Jashinist who proposed that the Akatsuki go about in complete nudity. Yet, regardless of how ridiculous the idea was, Pein accepted it wholeheartedly.

Deidara was mad, no; furious that such avant-garde designs of his were eliminated by something as comedic as a nude streak. A bunch of men running about in battle wearing nothing but their birthday suits. What was this? Deidara fumed and paced about in his underwear. Sasori looked up. There was no doubt that the tension in the room was, well, tense. Personally, Sasori did not particularly enjoy being caught in Deidara's tantrums. Tobi, on the other hand, just couldn't see the difference.

Sasori watched as Tobi risked his life by teasing Deidara. Though none of them had quite stripped to their birthday suits, Sasori had nothing to worry about. Body imperfection was perhaps one of the less important reasons why he had turned his body into a puppet. Pimples, back aches, huge nose, body odour: they were all imperfections he had to get rid of. Having a perfectly carved and shaped body was an advantage to this point. Sasori swiftly turned to see Tobi staring back at him.

Shocked, he took a step back.

"What do you want, Tobi?"

"Why haven't you stripped yet, sempai?" Tobi asked.

"No particular reason. Why haven't you stripped yet?" Sasori questioned, noticing that Tobi was in a skin-tight black bodysuit.

"Oh, but sempai, this IS my natural self!"

"No way," Sasori insisted as he observed the shiny material. Sasori argued with himself in his head then. Why did he bother? Who cared if Tobi wore shiny skin tight bodysuits? Sasori turned away and removed his cloak, revealing a very polished wooden body. Tobi let out a squeal. _'What now..?'_

"Yes, Tobi?"

"Oh! Sempai!"

"Yes…?"

"You – You are"

"What?" Sasori asked again, bored.

"You are a Barbie doll!" Tobi finally squealed.

Barbie doll? What Barbie doll? Sasori was enraged. The Pinocchio jokes were bad enough, but _Barbie Doll?_ Sasori reached over to grab Tobi's neck.

"No, no, sempai, I just meant that –"

"Meant what?" Sasori pressed on with a serious glare.

"He just meant that you don't have privates," a voice suddenly spoke. Sasori jumped at the close proximity of the voice and let Tobi go immediately. Tobi huffed as he made his escape. Sasori refocused his deathly stare onto a new focal point: Hidan.

"I see that you are already nude, Hidan," Sasori stated unsurprised.

"Yeah, right when Pein said 'kay," suddenly Hidan burst out laughing. It wasn't the politely giggle. It was an obnoxiously loud laugh. When Sasori raised an eyebrow at the Jashinist, he simply said, "Dude you fucking ain't got no balls! No vagina, no penis - it's like: what the fuck are you?" He collected himself and then fell into another fit of laughter, this time with his finger pointing at the puppet's crotch: "Shiny!"

* * *

Itachi hid himself in the closet. Finally: a weakness. Itachi was scared of nudity. To be specific, he was terrified of seeing Kisame in the nude. Given that Kisame was, well, oddly coloured – was that to suggest his manhood was blue too? Itachi shuddered at the thought. How dare he even have thoughts about Kisame's privates. That was too much. Embarassed, he wrapped a shirt over his face and pretended to be non-existent as he heard cries of his name. Oh great, someone was looking for him.

That was the other embarrassing thing. Assuming other members were looking for him, they would probably open the closet door, sooner or later. Yes, and that would find Itachi wrapped in a swimming towel having impure thoughts of naked men. Having to even explain why he was in a closet would be equally tough. _"Yes, uh, I thought I might have left something in there."_ That might work, until he had to physically show what he was "looking" for.

His thoughts were quickly interrupted when he heard footsteps. Louder and louder. His eyes grew wide when he left the closet door lose proximity. The door was opened, and there stood Zetsu.

* * *

Things were less chaotic for Kakuzu. Being a master of the threads, he was able to _'improvise'_ and create some thin material that firmly wrapped around his body. Who was to define '_nudity´_ anyways? Besides, Kakuzu needed to rent a new hideout. He took a few steps outside and headed to town. People gave odd stares. _'Well, thank you very much, Hidan,'_ he said in his head.

He made a turn and finally came to face the new hideout. It was still new, but smelled very strongly of coffee and biscuits. The landlord had given a pretty good deal as the furniture had come with the package. Free internet, free couches and tables. That was possibly the problem. The place only had coffee tables and sofa chairs. Sixteen tables all spaced out and accompanied by two sofa chairs. The main door was made of fine glass and a wooden frame, towards the back, a display fridge and a coffee-maker. There were a few workers still in the new hideout, cleaning up. The last worker was just ripping off the sticker logo of Starbucks on the windows when Kakuzu paid for the coffee lounge.

* * *

Itachi's eyes were level to a certain appendage. It was the famous Male Package of Zetsu. All of the rumours of it being black and white were simply moments Itachi had witnessed first-handedly. Itachi burst out of the closet, the wind of his speed pulling articles of clothing out with him in a slow-motion cameo. Clothes flew everywhere as Itachi made his escape from Zetsu. He ran away from the Male Package, only to bump into a wall. Muttering, Itachi took a step away from the wall and dashed out of the room, still clutching onto the swimming towel.

How embarrassing! The child prodigy has finally showed fear, and fear of such tremendous level! Itachi heard Zetsu's voice from behind him, and fastened his pace by a notch. He did not particularly care if his own towel had flown up to expose all because at such speed, no one could even see Itachi. His speed was intercepted. The force of his speed rebounded against a surface and Itachi had fallen over. From where he now sat, Itachi glared up. Only to find Kisame staring at him.

"Itachi-san, I know the new uniform may be a shock, but need you run like a mad dog?" Kisame pondered. Itachi did not answer. Nor did he get up. His eyes remained fastened onto the blue scaly appendage as he crawled away from him backwards.

"Itachi-san, what's wrong?" Kisame asked again. Itachi did not reply. He crawled to the back of the hideout, only to open a door and to gain access to the garden.

The safe atmosphere warmed the fright in Itachi. Ironically, he was feeling a little chilly. He never really paid attention to the garden and it seemed to be his first time ever to see a greenhouse so closely. There were flowers everywhere. Some big, some smaller, but none of them bored him. He paid most attention to a pink flower. The petals were soft, but the stalk was sharp with thorns. He bent down to observe the flower closer. Strangely, the flower had no scent.

"Itachi-san," Zetsu's voice shocked the child prodigy, "why are you out in my garden?"

Still bent down, Itachi turned to face Zetsu, only to have his eye leveled again to the Male Package. Sucking in a gulp of air, Itachi faced away and focused on the flower. _'Did not see. Did not see. Did not see,'_ he said to himself again and again.

"I-like-flowers," Itachi said as he hyperventilated, "I-like-flowers-because-they-are-pretty"_ Did not see. Did not see. Did not see. Gah, I have to get out of here. Did not see. _Skeptical, Zetsu raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm," he simply said, "Why did I see you in the closet earlier?"

"I-left-something-in-there," Itachi answered lamely. Zetsu frowned.

"**He's lying**," Zetsu's dark side pointed out, "Are you here for a reason, Itachi-san?"

"Err-yes. Err-I-needed-Err-FLOWERS-for-um-for-uh," Itachi stumbled. _'Did not see. Did not see. Did not see…' _

"**Kisame-san?**" the dark side guessed. Itachi's face twisted into an expression of disgust as he was reminded of his last encounter with his partner. _'DID NOT SEE DID NOT SEE DID NOT SEE!'_

"Err-yes," Itachi mumbled quickly before grabbing a handful of flowers and ripping them of the ground. Zetsu squealed in shock. Itachi ignored his response and took short but fast steps back into the hideout.

Itachi sighed in relief as he shut the door behind him. He turned to find Kisame looking right at him.

"Oh, you finally took the towel off!" Kisame noted. _'What towel?' _Itachi looked down ('_OH!')_ and quickly hid his manhood with the bunch of flowers he hand-picked. He flushed with embarrassment when he remembered leaving the towel in the garden.

* * *

"Nagato," Madara spoke as he entered the dark chamber, "I'm shocked."

"Why?" Pein quietly asked, his head tilting to see Madara's feet behind him.

"Shocked because I don't believe I have given you orders to throw this organization into a fit of madness."

"Uchiha Madara. There was nothing else I could have done. With Konoha located less than five hundred kilometers, the organization faces threat from the ANBU."

"Oh no. I applaud you for acting to benefit our safety, but why haven't you consulted me before sending our men out in the nude?"

"Madara, I did have a specific plan in regards to the nudity streak. If you care to stay for ten more minutes, perhaps I shall explain our ambush in thirteen days."

* * *

"Sasori no danna! You're cheating, un!" Deidara whined. Sasori had been climbing into Hiruko, attaching his chakra strings around the defensive puppet.

"What is it now, brat?"

"Doesn't nudity mean 'no clothes', un?"

"Hiruko isn't wearing any clothes."

"Hiruko _is_ an article of clothing!"

Sasori got out of the puppet to rise and face Deidara. This wouldn't have been an easy job for anyone else. Sasori could not express much of his emotion. Anyone else would have laughed until their brains melted from their ears and their necks lacking of heads. Deidara's hair was ridiculous. It became apparent that his partner had decided to tie a small tuft of hair together. The hairstyle was particularly similar to that of babies, except such hairstyle was sported on a grown man.

"Deidara, I have no choice. Hidan just came in a few hours ago telling me I haven't any genitalia and that my crotch was 'shiny'. Furthermore, you're not exactly naked yourself!"

Deidara looked down at his dressing. He had made himself an abstract but grotesque costume out of clay. He had yet to figure out how to make this costume harmless when he activates his jutsu. There was a mighty rumpus outside then. Deidara turned to find Hidan completely naked. Kakuzu followed closely behind. Deidara was surprised to see that Kakuzu had also gone beyond Leader-sama and wrapped himself with thin threads.

"This massive fucker just bought Starbucks! Just when I thou – What the hell? Sasori! Why are you in Hiruko? What happened to your shiny round crotch?" Hidan turned to look at Deidara, "Do I even need to fucking say anything? First the hair, then the ankle, now a penguin suit. Dude, you fucking mental?"

Kakuzu walked into the room. His eyes were stuck onto Deidara. It was hard to explain. The hair was relatively weird, and Kakuzu was extremely flexible in this sense, with the whole pineapple hairstyle. It was almost childish. What made it even more childish was the suit. What exactly was it? Couldn't be a duck. Hidan mentioned penguin, but that didn't quite cut it either. Kakuzu finally decided that it was part bird, part elephant.

"Cut it out, all of you. Leader-sama needs to see us. Deidara, I hope you didn't spend too much money buying all that clay for your costume," Kakuzu muttered as he led them out of the bedroom to head towards Pein's bedroom.

* * *

"Itachi-san, what are you doing?" Kisame asked for what seemed like the hundredth time. Itachi went fumbling through the kitchen looking for something. The kitchen was almost empty. It usually was, with so many men in the house. The only thing left was a large packet of seaweed. Itachi shrugged before taking it.

He ripped the packaging open and pulled out a long piece of seaweed. He wrapped that around Kisame's naked crotch. Shocked and disoriented, Kisame hurried to take a step back. He quickly pulled out Samehada and was prepared for battle. Itachi simply looked up.

"I respect you, Itachi-san, but you are harassing me!" Kisame exclaimed, "Are you gay?"

For once, Itachi's brows arched as he frowned at the blue man, "No, I am not. I just thought that we should cover up when we are with each other."

"'_With each other'? 'WITH each other'?_ What are you implying here, Itachi-san?"

"Kisame, you are being immature."

"As opposed to you being TOO mature and coming onto me!"

"I am NOT coming onto you!"

"Then why were you groping me with a seaweed?" Kisame demanded to know.

"To make sushi!"

_Sushi?_ What _sushi_? Kisame was lost. Whatever his partner was trying to say _or do_ didn't make any sense to him. Holding a tight grip on Samehada, he took a daring step forward.

"Look, Kisame, I'm just not used to seeing my partner naked. Unless we are truly at battle, I don't understand why we are not covering up," Itachi explained. Was Itachi scared? Kisame could not tell with the pokerface of his.

"Then why did you say that you were making sushi?"

"What? You didn't find that funny?"

* * *

"Nagato! They are not ready for this!" Madara exclaimed.

"Not ready? They are plenty ready! Even if they aren't, we have to act now!" Pein countered.

The Uchiha let out a frustrated groan and threw his hands up, "Why couldn't you have just told me this earlier?"

"How could we? Everyone in Akatsuki had a busy week. Everyone was at missions, including you! The only person I wish I could have used more of was Deidara. Because I haven't, he went to go upset the rest of Konoha. Where were you when he was gone? How did Hidan even get to him?"

"I specifically ordered that Jashinist and Kakuzu to go while the target was North-East. How was I supposed to know that they could fail the mission? Who gave them my orders, anyways?"

The two fell silent. Whenever Madara had orders, there were several procedures. First, they would go to Pein, who may ask Zetsu to pass the message, whatever Zetsu did after that was beyond them. It seemed apparent that Zetsu had forgotten to mention how critical the Akatsuki would be if they had failed. There wasn't much time to argue now. They needed to call for an immediate meeting.


End file.
